I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
