Pappa wants mamma naked
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
