I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
