he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
