please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
