it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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