I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
