just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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