No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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