Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
