hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
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Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
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He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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