If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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