I just cut my nipple shaving
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
