I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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