what day is it and did you see me today?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
