I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
