I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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