just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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