i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He shit in the fireplace
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
