It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
