paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I think my moral compass just broke
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