Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Can you bring me the toilet please
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
