and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
