bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
