think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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