she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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