Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
