I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
honey bunches of taint.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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