remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
