This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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