I can tuck mytits in my pants
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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