I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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