Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
