Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
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Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
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It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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