get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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