He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
