Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
