The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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