My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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