The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
