I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
