she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
