yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
