I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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