well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
