When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
