So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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