I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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