my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
