Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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