It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
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dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
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I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Drunk is a universal language darling
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