her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
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I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize