Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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