She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
