You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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