Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
