Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
