in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
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Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
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I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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