I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
