I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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