She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
