Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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