I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
