My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
